Who Am I?

This week, I assigned an assignment in class for students to write an essay with the topic “Who am I?” I’m realizing that if I was in their shoes, I would have no idea what to write.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am. I am constantly changing my mind about things. Whether it’s a career change, where I want to live, or my Instagram username/bio. I feel pressured and anxious about the most random things. I question things I once believed in and people who I once trusted. One minute I’m happy and then the next I feel so overwhelmed with life.

Motherhood is a blessing, journey, and a rollercoaster. your children become priority and your dreams and aspirations take the back burner at times. As someone with so much ambition, this has been hard to accept. sacrifice. selfless love.

Who am I?

I think I’m trying to find myself. What is really my purpose? I’m thirty years old and still can’t figure it out. For some people it’s an easy answer. But who the heck am I? I should know by now. Why don’t I?
For some people it’s an easy answer. But who the heck am I? I should know by now. Why don’t I?

So that’s why I’m writing. Because writing is therapeutic and it’s like talking to someone, only problem is that words do not talk back.

I feel like I should be more. Doing more. Trying more. Like nothing is ever enough. I am constantly seeking change or adding on tasks to my already busy life. Then I hear God whisper,

“you are enough. where you are is where I want you to be.”

And then, everything falls into place….

The Hassle With Making Mom Friends

Oh crap. I only have one mom friend.

Several weeks ago, I was sitting simply reflecting on my life and the friends I’ve had throughout the years and I started to think,

“Oh wow. What happened to so and so…? Oh crap. I only have one mom friend. I think. Or maybe two at the most.”

Which would be fine if they lived in the same state as me.
So I started to realize that some people just move on, and others have a hard time moving on or letting go. Which one am I? And I the kind to hold on to bits of memories of friendships that once existed or am I one to just finally go “out there” and make some new friends? But like they all say, making mom friends is not that easy. Either they live too far or sometimes you just don’t click. I’ve been down that road before. And do I really have the time and energy to invest in a new friendship right now? Do I just walk up to a mom at the grocery store and say, “Hey, wanna be friends and have play dates…and stuff?” Awkward a bit. Isn’t it?

the hassle with

After posting about this on my Instagram, turns out that I was not alone.  They suggested:
“Go to a mom meet-up” or “go to the library” or “what about your church?”

I’ve done all of the above.
There was a time after I had my first baby when I was actively or maybe even desperately on “the search” for new mom friends. But after having my second baby I now realize that it will happen eventually and to not kill myself trying to make friends by forcing it upon myself. Tried that once and let’s just say it didn’t end well. I also don’t have much energy to even entertain the idea of making friends, let alone go anywhere by myself, hence, the bathroom, without:
A) a newborn crying in the background

or
B) a toddler following me to the bathroom.
But all jokes aside, sometimes it’s hard to accept our new circumstances. After losing a few friends years ago, I would find myself wondering if I had done something wrong but I realized that this is just life.

People get married. People have babies. People move away. People move on. Sometimes you just don’t have anything in common anymore, so the friendship just vanishes little by little. But that’s the beauty of friendship. You never know what’s ahead.

I’m learning what true friendship is and I realize that some friends were never really my friends to begin with, and I’m also realizing that I was not always a good friend myself. Matter of fact, I was probably a crappy friend. We like to point the finger, but now that I’m older and wiser (I think), I can look back and admit that.

A true friend, no matter what, knows and understands what is important to you and would stick by you through those significant moments in your life. A true friend also knows when to give you your space, but still be around at the same time. The true friend knows how to be there for you even when you don’t think you need them there. And when you become a mom, having a mom friend takes “a whole nother” meaning. You can’t ask for too much or expect too much from them. Just someone you can meet up with at the park with the kids, meet up for coffee for some “mommy time” and grown up chit-chat, or go for a morning walk to lose that baby weight.

 

So whenever my new mom friends will make their appearance in my life, I think I will be a pretty darn good friend—better than I ever was. But for now, I’m content with the ones I have, even if they live hundreds of miles away.

 

Also published on HUFFPOST  Here